5 Ways to Benefit from Counseling | New Life Article Answers
November 6, 2009
Excerpted from “Seeking Wise Counsel” by Dr. Dave Stoop
1. Don’t story-tell.
Up to a certain point, the counselor needs to understand the events that are going on in your life. This is called story-telling. It isn’t counseling if all you do in your time together is review what has happened in your life since your last meeting. When a counselor allows this, he or she is either tired or lost and doesn’t know how to help you get on track. Or you are such a talker that the counselor doesn’t know how to get a word in edgewise. Good counseling always looks beyond the story to the underlying patterns, and then makes an intervention in the pattern in order to bring about change. So resist the urge to fill your counselor in on all the details of your life.
2. Don’t be afraid to express how you feel about the counseling to your counselor.
I have some of my best sessions when people get frustrated, or even angry with me for some reason or other. I remember one woman who came into the session angry because during the last appointment I had encouraged her to tell me what was going on in her job. I didn’t do anything but listen and she felt it had been a waste. I agreed, and we went at it and had a great session, due in large measure to her willingness to tell me how she felt about what we had done.
One of the important things a competent counselor will do is acknowledge when he or she has missed the mark.
More important, he or she will be able to handle and contain your negative emotions, including, especially, your anger. If I as your counselor cannot accept your anger, even when it is directed at me, you are not going to feel very safe with me, and you will have problems trusting me with that part of your experience. And that will limit my effectiveness in working with you.
Further, what you are learning to do with your counselor is what you need to learn to do with the other people in your life. Your counselor is supposed to be a safe person with whom you can test new skills that are still uncomfortable for you. But when you learn to talk more directly and more assertively with your counselor, you will find yourself doing the same thing with the clerk at the department store, with your kids, with your spouse, and even with your parents.
3. Don’t talk to everyone else about your counseling.
Quite often, people will begin to confront uncomfortable aspects of their personality in the counseling process. In their discomfort, which is usually experienced as some type of anxiety, they will talk in detail to their spouse, or to their friends, about what is going on in the counseling. They get differing opinions regarding their experience and unknowingly reduce the effectiveness of the counseling.
We can talk about our counseling, but a good rule of thumb would be to discuss only those parts of the counseling where issues have been resolved, or are close to being resolved. When struggling with something taking place in the sessions, keep it to yourself for a while so you can wrestle with it internally. If you don’t agree with some aspect of the counseling, confront your counselor and work
it through in the session.
4. Don’t worry about becoming dependent on your counselor.
Many people are afraid of counseling because they know someone who became too dependent on their counselor. This can happen in the course of counseling and, as I said earlier, it isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, in some situations, it is part of the treatment. Here are two ways it can happen ‘ one good and one bad.
First the good:
Remember, one of the issues we all work on in counseling is that of trust. Many of us see a professional counselor because we have trouble trusting others with very much of ourselves ‘ we are ‘loners’ emotionally. Usually our difficulty in trusting others stems from emotionally detached relationships in our early experiences, in particular with our parents. In a manner of speaking, we need to go through a re-parenting process with our counselor. This usually happens when we look at those early issues of trust, although it can happen in any good counseling.
But this type of dependency is good because it indicates our growing ability to trust someone with vulnerable parts of ourselves. We are close enough, and feel safe enough, to look at areas of ourselves that even we avoided before we started counseling. When we work with competent counselors, they will talk with us about our growing feelings of dependency, and help us work beyond that dependency to a healthy sense of interdependence with them and with other people in our lives. The dependency is a temporary part of effective counseling.
When is dependency bad? You’ll notice we used the word competent in regard to our counselor. Not every professional counselor is competent in this area. There are some people who are professional counselors because of unfinished issues in their own lives. Often these issues revolve around dependency ‘ they have a need fulfilled within them when other people are dependent upon them. In their counseling, they foster a dependency that isn’t part of the healing process for the counselee. It is for the benefit of the counselor. This is bad, not only because it prolongs the counseling, but also because the issue of dependency is never successfully addressed for the counselee.
How can you tell the difference? It isn’t easy, and the incompetent counselor may be very good at convincing you that what is in fact an unhealthy dependency is normal and part of the treatment. Instead of fearing this issue, here are two things you can watch for that will keep you on track. First, know that a healthy dependency in counseling is always moving toward interdependence, which is a connected form of independence. Our health independence is best expressed and experienced in the context of connected relationships. And our experience of dependency has as its goal our experience of healthy independence.
Second, don’t listen to your family and friends right away. Assume that they are being alarmist, in part because they have always seen you as independent. They are alarmed that you are different. However, when they start to express concern that your dependency has gotten out of hand, and can give you valid examples of how you appear to be stuck at this stage, listen to them. Make it an issue with your counselor. And as you make it an issue with your counselor, talk about what is being done within the counseling to help you move beyond dependency to healthy independence. Remember, you are the consumer. You are paying the bill. Therefore, you are in charge of your treatment.
5. Don’t limit the goals of your counseling.
Often we go to a counselor to resolve a specific problem. But we also can see the counseling experience as an opportunity to learn new skills, new more effective behaviors, and to become a more balanced person. Our true objective is to live life as Jesus wants us to live it, life in all its fullness (John 10:10). The training and the objectivity of a professional counselor can help me see my blind spots. This will enable me to resolve the problem that brought me to the counselor and to learn things that will enrich my life.
5 Ways to Benefit from Counseling | New Life Article Answers.
Repairing Trust Takes Time | Addiction Recovery
November 6, 2009
Early Sobriety
One of the consequences of drinking and drugging is that you destroy trust. To keep your addiction going you lie, manipulate, and maybe even steal. Sometimes in early sobriety it’s easy to get frustrated that people don’t trust you.
“Hey, I’m not drinking! I’m a new person! Give me a break!”
If you’ve been in and out of the program or you have done your fair share of rehab stints, it’s really no wonder people don’t want to trust just yet. It took a while to destroy trust. It will take a while to build it back up.
I’m a real believer in teaching by example. We all know how often we hear about this or that politician preaching family values or moral righteousness only to find out they had their hands in the coffers or were engaged to their mistress before the ink dried on the divorce papers from their second failed marriage. Nothing turns us off more than a lot of talk that isn’t backed up by action.
That’s how people work. We feel what’s called cognitive dissonance when we hear one thing but see another. It jars us and irritates us.
So if I want to teach someone they can trust me, I need to be trustworthy. And I need to be trustworthy for quite some time.
You know the saying, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me?” I think that’s the way a lot of people feel when they’ve been betrayed by someone they love. Obviously there are people who seem to have an infinite tolerance for relationship misery, but healthy people don’t like getting burned. The natural urge is to protect yourself from getting burned again, especially if your trust was broken over and over and over again.
I think it’s important not to take the distrust personally. Accept it humbly as a consequence of bad behavior. Making amends is just the beginning of building trust.
via Repairing Trust Takes Time | Addiction Recovery.
Comparing Your Sobriety to Others? | Addiction Recovery
November 6, 2009
Thursday, 5th November 2009
Early Sobriety
Everyone knows the saying about trying to keep up with the Jones’es. Perfect introduction to a post about the dangers of comparing your progress to others’ – but also to chat about when this might actually be a good thing.
In the past, my idea of comparing was to look for anything I was missing that someone else had – I would conveniently ignore the things I had that they didn’t. This allowed me to never measure up and resulted in a lot of very boring self-pity.
Comparing has inherent risks, especiallly if you have the tendency to focus on the glass as half empty rather than half full. However, in some cases, comparing can be good. For example, if there is an area in your life you would like to improve, you might look at someone you admire and compare what they have done to achieve their goals to how you have attempted to achieve them. This can be a positive exercise, especially if you ask them, what did you do to achieve that?
It’s important to always remember that success if not measured by things. This is when we get into comparing someone’s success to ours in sobriety. Like we might look at someone 5 years sober who just got their dream job, then we say, well I’m 10 years sober and I don’t have my dream job yet! Maybe your career requires more time. Maybe you created more wreckage in the past. Or, in some cases, maybe that person can give you some helpful advice.
Comparing is only healthy when it is used as a learning tool – not as a way to beat yourself up. And remember, what someone looks like on the outside may not match what is on the inside. I remember thinking about a particular person – man they are so successful at what I want to be doing; why aren’t I successful at it too? That person drank again and lost everything.
via Comparing Your Sobriety to Others? | Addiction Recovery.
2 Corinthians 13:14 (New International Version) 14May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all.
November 5, 2009
Wisdom for Adversity
November 5, 2009
Wisdom for Adversity
Rod Parsley Charisma Channels – SpiritLed Living
He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. —Psalm 91:1
Stop the rockAn elderly man stood up in a testimony service, waved his handkerchief, and said, “I’ve been serving the Lord for fifty years, and I want to testify that in that fifty years I have never been down-.-.-.-not one day-.-.-.-not one time.”
There was also a young man in that service who had recently given his life to Jesus. He stopped the old man as he was leaving and said, “I don’t understand. I gave my life to Jesus, and it seems like all hell broke loose. How can you say you have never been down?”
The old gentleman replied with words of wisdom, “Son, I’ve never been down, because I have always either been up or getting up.”
If you are fighting a little adversity, dance longer, shout louder, and pray harder. Tell the devil you are not giving up; you are enduring to the end. Born-again, Spirit-filled believers may wobble, but they don’t fall down. Claim His promise today: “The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord: and he delighteth in his way. Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the Lord upholdeth him with his hand” (Psalm 37:23-24).
Lord, whenever I stumble, lift me up by
Your hand. Uphold me in Your arms.
Cover me with Your wings. Shelter me in
the Rock. Amen.
via Wisdom for Adversity.
God’s Grace is All You Need | Christian Life
November 4, 2009
June 10, 2009 by Robert
People talk a lot of about the Grace of God and being touched by God’s Grace, but it’s one of the most difficult concepts for most of us to understand. After all, how can we grasp the concept of being the recipients of such an amazing and wonderful gift as the Grace that is God’s forgiveness of our sins when we are so undeserving? And what does that Grace do to change the reality of our daily lives anyway? The answers are amazing and truly reflect just how much God loves us and the great good He desires for us.
God’s Grace was given to us even before we were born, at the very beginning of time, so we know that it isn’t based on whether we’ve earned it or if we’ve done something to earn it:
“This grace was given to us in Christ Jesus before the ages began.”
- 2 Timothy 1:9
It’s so wonderful that God has always loved us and always will, and freely gave us this gracious, bountiful gift. It’s an unearned blessing, a gift from our Lord and Savior that we received before we even looked for it. God’s will for you is absolute good. I know this is true for myself, and I also know it is true for every person on Earth. God’s love is unconditional a Grace available to everyone, at all times and in all circumstances. No matter who we are or what we’ve done!
That’s right – you’ve already “earned” God’s Grace simply by being a precious, individual creation of God. Simply by existing as His creation, you are deserving of His Grace ! Nothing you do or do not do can remove that Grace from your life. It is present here, now and always. Through God’s Grace, you are accepted and loved in every moment. Through God’s Grace you continually blessed – and our knowledge of this constant blessing is what can change the reality of our daily lives. What could possibly bring us more joy and peace than knowing that nothing can separate us from God’s Grace? No matter how low we fall or how high we climb, His Grace will surround us.
“Let us therefore approach the throne of Grace with boldness, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”
- Hebrews 4:16
When we need God’s Grace and loving kindness, we can rest assured that it will be there for us. We will be enfolded in it and can rely on it to carry us through no matter how difficult our trials, because that Grace is sufficient for every need. When we have God’s Grace, we don’t need the forgiveness of others or the understanding of men.
We have all that we need to carry us through the problems in our lives, and the realization that our God has showered us with His Grace all our lives and He will never withhold it should embolden us – it is our guarantee that we can do anything ! With the Grace of God shielding us, what amazing things we can do with our own lives and in the lives of others, what riches we can share ! That Grace gives meaning and glory to our lives as members of the body of Christ’s church on earth – we should share that Grace with others. It is all that we will ever need to find peace in our lives, and by sharing it with those around us, that joy and peace will be magnified to the Glory of God.
“Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.”
- 1 Corinthians 1:3
With an attitude of gratitude , we live our daily lives in the very atmosphere of God’s Grace. God’s will for us is absolute good. God’s love is unending, a grace that is for all , at all times and in all circumstances.
Robert Moment is a Christian business coach, speaker and author of newly published book, God Will Always Be There for You. Robert is passionate about empowering individuals on how to experience God’s love, power , joy, peace, and prosperity. Visit http://www.ChristianInspirational.org and sign-up for the FREE Christian Living e-course. Follow me on Twitter http://www.twitter.com/christiansfaith
God’s Grace is All You Need | Christian Life.
20 tips to Move from Hope to Certainty! | New Life Article Answers
November 4, 2009
Excerpted from God Will Make A Way by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
It does not matter what you are addicted to. It does not matter how long you have been addicted. It does not matter how severe the consequences. If you are willing to allow God to make a way, he will. All you have to do is to stop trying to tell yourself to be strong, admit that you are weak, and get into his system of recovery. You will notice that many of them are the same as the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. The plan works if you work the plan. The strength will not come from you but from God. Yet you have to go to him with your weakness and join his program in order to receive his strength. We encourage you to do that and to discover, like millions before you, that no matter what you have lost, God can make a way.
1. Admit to yourself, to God, and to another person that you are out of control and this addiction has gotten the best of you. Admit that you are powerless on your own to fix it.
2. Ask God for forgiveness for whatever you have done, and claim it. Receive it, and get rid of all condemnation.
3. Believe that God can help you, reach out to him, and totally submit yourself to his care, guidance, direction, and strength. Submit to total obedience to whatever he shows you to do.
4. Take an ongoing inventory of all that is wrong inside and between you and others, and all that you have done wrong. Confess it to God and to someone else.
5. Continually ask God to show you anything that you need to work on, and when he tells you, follow through.
6. Go and ask for forgiveness and make amends to all whom you have hurt, except where that might harm the person.
7. Seek God deeply, ask him what he wants you to do, ask him for the power to do it, and then follow through in obedience.
8. Reach out to others.
9. Find out the triggers that get your addictive behavior started, and then when they occur, reach out. Do not ever underestimate the need to reach out. That is why some addicts especially in the beginning, go to multiple meetings every day and have a sponsor whom they can call.
10. Discover the hurts and pains that you are trying to medicate and seek to have them healed. Find out what you are lacking inside and begin to reach out and receive the love and strengthening that you need.
11. Do not try to do all of this alone. Join a support system, maybe attending every day for a few months, and get a few buddies to call on every day.
12. Find out what relational skills you need to develop in order to make your relationships work. Work on these skills and take risks in order to relate to people better.
13. Forgive everyone who has ever hurt you.
14. Find your talents and develop them. Pursue your dreams and goals.
15. Simplify your life so that it has less stress, and make sure that you are recreating and taking care of yourself.
16. Join a structured group that is going to provide the discipline to do all of this.
17. Study God’s Word and other spiritual writings that will teach you how to apply it.
18. Stay humble, be honest, and remember that spiritual growth and recovery are for a lifetime, not just for a season.
19. If you are addicted to a substance, seek medical help as well. In the beginning it is possible that you will go through withdrawal or other serious medical conditions. Make sure that you are safe.
20. See your addiction not as the problem but as a symptom of a life that is not planted and growing in God. Get into recovery as a life overhaul, not just to fix a symptom.
via 20 tips to Move from Hope to Certainty! | New Life Article Answers.
20 tips to Move from Hope to Certainty! | New Life Article Answers
November 4, 2009
Excerpted from God Will Make A Way by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
It does not matter what you are addicted to. It does not matter how long you have been addicted. It does not matter how severe the consequences. If you are willing to allow God to make a way, he will. All you have to do is to stop trying to tell yourself to be strong, admit that you are weak, and get into his system of recovery. You will notice that many of them are the same as the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. The plan works if you work the plan. The strength will not come from you but from God. Yet you have to go to him with your weakness and join his program in order to receive his strength. We encourage you to do that and to discover, like millions before you, that no matter what you have lost, God can make a way.
1. Admit to yourself, to God, and to another person that you are out of control and this addiction has gotten the best of you. Admit that you are powerless on your own to fix it.
2. Ask God for forgiveness for whatever you have done, and claim it. Receive it, and get rid of all condemnation.
3. Believe that God can help you, reach out to him, and totally submit yourself to his care, guidance, direction, and strength. Submit to total obedience to whatever he shows you to do.
4. Take an ongoing inventory of all that is wrong inside and between you and others, and all that you have done wrong. Confess it to God and to someone else.
5. Continually ask God to show you anything that you need to work on, and when he tells you, follow through.
6. Go and ask for forgiveness and make amends to all whom you have hurt, except where that might harm the person.
7. Seek God deeply, ask him what he wants you to do, ask him for the power to do it, and then follow through in obedience.
8. Reach out to others.
9. Find out the triggers that get your addictive behavior started, and then when they occur, reach out. Do not ever underestimate the need to reach out. That is why some addicts especially in the beginning, go to multiple meetings every day and have a sponsor whom they can call.
10. Discover the hurts and pains that you are trying to medicate and seek to have them healed. Find out what you are lacking inside and begin to reach out and receive the love and strengthening that you need.
11. Do not try to do all of this alone. Join a support system, maybe attending every day for a few months, and get a few buddies to call on every day.
12. Find out what relational skills you need to develop in order to make your relationships work. Work on these skills and take risks in order to relate to people better.
13. Forgive everyone who has ever hurt you.
14. Find your talents and develop them. Pursue your dreams and goals.
15. Simplify your life so that it has less stress, and make sure that you are recreating and taking care of yourself.
16. Join a structured group that is going to provide the discipline to do all of this.
17. Study God’s Word and other spiritual writings that will teach you how to apply it.
18. Stay humble, be honest, and remember that spiritual growth and recovery are for a lifetime, not just for a season.
19. If you are addicted to a substance, seek medical help as well. In the beginning it is possible that you will go through withdrawal or other serious medical conditions. Make sure that you are safe.
20. See your addiction not as the problem but as a symptom of a life that is not planted and growing in God. Get into recovery as a life overhaul, not just to fix a symptom.
via 20 tips to Move from Hope to Certainty! | New Life Article Answers.
11 Reasons You Should Incorporate Laughter Into Your Life! | New Life Article Answers
November 4, 2009
New Life Ministries
Proverbs 17:22 tells us, “A cheerful heart is good medicine.” And, friend, that’s no joke! When we’re in pain or feeling sick, our sense of humor often abandons us. But it’s during these very circumstances that’more than ever’we need laugher in our lives. Consider these findings:
1. Humor has been shown to lower blood pressure.
2. Studies show humor strengthens the immune system. When you laugh, your body actually raises levels of infection-fighting T-cells, disease-fighting proteins, and B-cells that produce disease-destroying antibodies.
3. Laughter’s good for your heart! According to Dr. Paul McGhee, laughing is like ‘internal jogging.’
4. Frequent belly laughs help your respiratory system. When you laugh, your lungs empty good portions of air, producing a cleansing effect.
5. Laughter has been shown to reduce stress and even pain. Ironically, when you’re feeling stressed or in pain, you don’t often feel like laughing, but laughter actually works to reduce your pain and stress.
6. Laughter stimulates both sides of the brain, which increases learning and retention. Incorporate humor when teaching your kids and you’ll find they get the message quicker and will remember it longer.
7. Laughter results in muscle relaxation.
8. Humor is a great coping device. When the kids are driving you crazy, work seems unbearable, yet another home appliance breaks, look for humor in the situation. It will not only help you get through the situation, it’ll give you renewed focus and strength.
9. Humor relieves tension. We’ve all been in situations where everyone is uncomfortable and subsequently relieved when someone makes a joke.
10. Appropriate humor builds relationships. When people laugh together, a connection is made. Great friendships are often built when two people endure difficult circumstances only to look back with laughter. On the other hand, humor can help you understand others. Listen closely to someone’s humor and you may gain insight into his or her fears.
11. This good medicine is free! It costs nothing, yet its benefits are priceless.
“Humor and Health Journal,” September/October 1996
via 11 Reasons You Should Incorporate Laughter Into Your Life! | New Life Article Answers.
Anger: Don’t Let it Destroy You « A Time to Think
November 3, 2009
A young couple recently admitted that they were blindsided by anger in their relationship. The wife didn’t even realize how much anger was in her heart. She grew up in a home where anger was not handled well. She vowed not to let it be part of her life but the intensity of marriage produced too many occasions for anger. “Why is it so hard to recognize an anger problem in your life?” she asked me. “Perhaps” I recommended, “because anger always carries an element of self-justification.” When we feel “right” to be mad, we don’t see our anger as a destructive force. Often, as with this couple, anger isn’t fully recognized until the damage is too great to be ignored.
I’ve read that ninety percent of all counseling on relationship difficulties involves the problem of anger. This corresponds well with my experience over the last 25 years of pastoral counseling. For some people anger is a serious personal problem. Others face the challenge of living or working with people who don’t control anger. When we say, “It doesn’t take much to set him off” or “You have to walk on eggshells around her”, we are referring to people with severe anger management problems.
Some people are always angry; others store up their anger for periodic (often unpredictable) explosions. Even more frustrating are those who lash out on those close to them while publicly hiding their tyrannical ways behind a pleasant façade. How sad when strangers receive more kindness than those close to us. Many relationships (especially marriages) have been destroyed
by anger.
The fact that anger itself is an important component to healthy living makes anger a cloudy issue for those who have severe problems with it. Anger is not always a wrong response. But handling anger rightly requires a careful look at what it actually is and how it works. Anger has been described as a strong feeling of irritation or displeasure. It’s an emotional readiness to defend or retaliate. Anger can be directed toward people, things, or circumstances. It can be rational or irrational; beneficial or destructive.
Anger is often related to our sense of right and wrong. The person deficient of strong displeasure toward evil lacks good moral character. Scripture even associates a righteous anger with God. Yet, unlike humans, God is only angry when it is right to be angry.
“Sometimes we get involved in a legitimate issue and discern, perhaps with accuracy, the right and the wrong of the matter. However, in pushing the right side, our own egos get so bound up with the issue that in our view opponents are not only in the wrong but attacking us. When we react with anger, we may deceive ourselves into thinking we are defending the truth and the right, when deep down we are more concerned with defending ourselves.”
“In none of the cases in which Jesus became angry was his personal ego wrapped up in the issue. More telling yet, when he was unjustly arrested, unfairly tried, illegally beaten, contemptuously spit upon, crucified, mocked, when in face he had every reason for his ego to be involved, then, as Peter says, ‘he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats’ (I Peter 2:23). From his
parched lips came forth rather those gracious words, ‘Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing’ (Luke 23:34). Let us admit it – by and large, we are quick to be angry when we are personally affronted and offended, and slow to be angry when sin and injustice multiply in other areas.” (D. A. Carson).
For humans, Scripture repeatedly emphasizes the need to control anger. “The fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control” (Proverbs 29:11).
How well do you handle anger? Do you internalize it? Perhaps you withdraw from conflict by leaving the room, hiding behind work or other activities or turning to substance abuse. Sadly, this response never resolves anything; it fails to deal with root causes of anger. Internalizing anger often leads to more subtle forms of expression – manipulative mood swings, sarcastic verbal jabs, slander, and other less aggressive responses.
Equally tragic is the person who internalizes anger in public and redirects it to undeserving family members. The scenario looks like this: The boss yells at an employee. The man takes it out on his wife. The wife yells at the children. The children kick the dog. The dog bites the cat … Sound humorous? In real life, it’s misery.
Others externalize anger with direct aggression. When provoked, this person lashes out with verbal and physical attacks on the object of his anger (or the most accessible object). This response often leads to violence and abuse. It leaves a trail of broken people and damaged property – tending to multiply until a major crisis occurs.
Scripture highly commends those who control anger. “He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty and he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city” (Proverbs 16:32). “A man’s discretion makes him slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook a transgression” (Proverbs 19:11). The emphasis on being slow to anger warns us to respect its power and control. It’s wise to be aware of anger producing situations and anger provoking people. Knowing the sources of anger can help us minimize it.
Sources for anger include: An unorganized life, over commitment to low priorities, unresolved guilt, hurtful experiences from our past, unfulfilled expectations, violation of legitimate or perceived rights, feeling misunderstood or unappreciated and imposed circumstances out of one’s control.
Learned patterns of anger are a much deeper issue. Parents who do not handle anger properly pass their habits to their children. Scripture warns about learned anger: “Do not associate with one given to anger, and with a wrathful man do not keep company, lest you learn his ways and get yourself in a snare” (Proverbs 22:24-25). People with serious anger problems should seek counseling before their destructive ways destroy others.
To handle anger constructively, we need to identify the sources without blaming behavior on others. We must take full responsibility for our actions if we hope to gain freedom. Rationalizing and justifying anger only leads to more destructive consequences. The first step to victory is to acknowledge that you can control your anger with God’s help.
Several other action points are important for conquering anger. Admit your failure to value the objects of your anger. Avoid reading into the actions of others. Communicate instead of exploding. Refuse to allow anger to escalate. Resolve anger daily! Scripture says, “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry” (Ephesians 4:26). Replace anger with kindness and love - remembering the love God has shown to you.
Steve Cornell
Anger: Don’t Let it Destroy You « A Time to Think.